To Rob Oneself

They tell me
“Love yourself,”
How?
I hate everyone
I’ve ever been until
Now.
Together, in fear
They’ve destroyed
What I love
I wore them so well
They each fit
Like a glove.
They had everyone fooled
It was me
There inside
But I sat like a bystander
Along for
The ride.
And now who’s left
But the underneath
Gem?
Polished and lonely
With a tailored-up
Hem.
I can love this new stone
But I’ll never love
Them
The ones who have robbed me
I will always
Condemn.
I want to go back
As the one I am
Now
I would give anything
For some way,
Somehow.
But I can’t, and I know this
I have made my own
Bed
And I sleep there alone
With regrets in my
Head.
I wake up in a nightmare
I, myself,
Brought about
I walk through this hell
Self-awareness
Throughout.
Just to make myself breathe,
Just to make myself
Smile
I return to delusion
Just for
A while:
I dream that I wake up
That day on the
River
When your smile in the sun
Did make my knee
Quiver
And I tell you, “I’ve seen it-
Our future
Together,
The next half a year,
All the storms that
We weather,
And all I can say is
Please hold
My hand
My lips have not one
Hope or
Demand
In fact, I will
Remain silent
Until
The storms inside me
Can die down and
Be still,
Because here in this vessel
Is chance to
Start anew
And in front of these dolphins
I declare
That I love you
And I’m going to stay quiet,
I won’t fuck
It up
And maybe, just maybe
With some grace or
Some luck,
Instead of crying
And writing more
Poetry,
In six months you may
Still be there
Holding me,”
And then I wake up,
And I’m back in my
Nightmare
And I force breaths to come
And I sit
And I stare
At this small chisled gem
That I’m burdened
To hold
If I don’t love it now
The past will repeat,
I’m told.
And I think I can do it
And I’ll give it
A try
And hope that the me
Who lost you
Will now die.

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